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Fingers to Keys

April 2026

I need to write something.

Notice I did not say, I want to write something. I need to.

My brain has been offline for a couple weeks. Not too bad. Not full on depressions. I expect it might have been if it weren't for the meds. Or, if I had to go to a day job.

That's maybe the most interesting thing for me. How much less do I get impacted by the swings of bipolar disorder without having the pressure of a gig.

I don't think there would be a difference on the mania side. The depressions side? It feels like I would have spiralled down if I'd had to deal with a 9 to 5 over the past few weeks.

Struggling with one during my big depression was the major reasons I ended up in the hospital A measure that was necessary because I'd become a danger to myself.

I got stuck in this cycle of thinking that I couldn't get my brain moving which meant that I couldn't do my job which meant that I'd get fired which meant I'd lose everything which led the rest of the way down the dark path.

TODO List

I've got stuff I want to work on right now. That's better than the past few days where I didn't want to do anything beyond watching youtube.

I don't have any momentum though. I'm at a stand still.

The purpose of this post is to get a little. It's not much more than leaning forward a bit. Not much. Just enough to take a first step.

Hopefully, that'll be enough. It always has been so far. Even as ever time it feels like the fire might not re-ignite.

Support Notes

Ok.

Things are better now.

Looking at the time stamps, it took me 16 minutes to write down to this point.

It's fucking magic.

It gave me enough to clear the fog. Like turning on a kitchen fan to clear the smoke after you burned something in the frying pan.

It also let me put music back in my ears. I haven't really been listening to anything. It's tough to hear tunes over react videos of folks watching Doctor Who.

But, I need music as much as I do writing.

Input from one. Output of the other. Balance between.

It's cranked now.

Goose's "Give It Time" on repeat.

Outro

I don't have the energy to do an edit pass on this post. It would be nice. It would also be pushing it.

This time is fragile. Nothing more than an ember.

I'm not exactly sure how to land this post either. This wasn't an exercise in prose. It was a stretch. A warm up.

It's done now.

I'm not sure what's next. But, I know it'll be something. A vast improvement over an hour ago when the part of my brain that does things wasn't with me.

-a

Endnotes